Time is flying for sure. Our little guy is going to be 9 months on Monday. He is trying to walk. He has said his first word…over and over and over again. With both girls their first word was Mama….Clark is the only one to say Dada first. Not sure if Kevin is excited about it or not. Clark has 6 teeth! He wants to eat and chew everything. He has slowed down on his milk intake due to the teething. But I expect it will pickup again. He is typically a happy baby. Very much a stage 5 clinger to me. I don’t leave the house except to go grocery shopping and now to get our middle child from Daycare. Clark is used to me being around ALL the time.
With being home all the time, I am going a little stir crazy. I feel almost imprisoned. Not allowed to leave. I am feeling like I am failing in every aspect of my life. Not up to my Managers expectations at work. I am not able to clean and keep the entire house clean all day everyday. Keep up on the dishes and laundry. I cook, but more times than not someone isn’t happy with what I make. Yet no one offers suggestions as to what I should make. I feel like a broken record asking for help around the house and getting the kids to pickup after themselves. It goes in one ear and out the other. But the minute someone is looking for something I am expected to know where it is or find it. If I stay up late to clean up and get things done …someone isn’t happy…. If I say screw it and go to bed… someone isn’t happy and I have more to do the next day. I seriously am not enough for anyone. I can’t do enough to make anyone happy. If I don’t get up early enough I can’t count on getting a shower that day. I feel that I am losing myself in motherhood/wife/housekeeper. I do nothing for myself. I do nothing that I enjoy…and when I do…. everything is still waiting for me when I am done and it feels like a waste of time. Why bother doing something for me when all the cooking/cleaning and all other things are waiting to be done…. All that ‘relaxation’ immediately leaves my body and stress comes flooding back in.
I look forward to the weekends to catch up on cleaning or sleep and it feels like a joke. The weekend comes and goes and I am no better off than I was the week prior.
I know I am not the only one who feels like this. I just need to learn to suck it up and stop feeling like life is ever going to be fair. Some have it better than others. I need to learn to not be jealous of that. I need to learn to let go of what I thought life would be like as an adult. And learn to accept what is.