So much change

I have been so busy with the three kids. It’s definitely a lot to handle. The girls have been playing Soccer and Diana is in Cheer. That alone is enough to keep us busy. Not to mention navigating the blooming personalities and tantrums.

Growing up I was always told you would have a child who acts just like you. There are parts of them that I see myself in. And others I don’t. I grew up naive. Very naive. I know now…I am learning more each day of how naive I was….and how life truly is.

I used to honestly think that people will treat you the way you treat them. I used to think that if you are kind, helpful and do what needs to be done…one day all that will come back to you. I’m waiting. Growing up, I was the one cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and caring for everyone else. Not once did I stop to ask who was taking care of me. All in my 20’s, I took care of family and friends. Helped them buy their groceries, cars, tires.. watch their kids… whatever was needed. I lived at home with my parents to help when my mom got multiple terrifying diagnosis. I stayed the night in the hospital… Did meal preps. I entertained extended family who came to visit.

My 30’s, I started my own family. Again, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Taking care of everyone when they are sick…. Throwing up and hurt. Even when I am sick and physically unable to move, I make sure everyone is taken care of. As I navigate my last year in my 30’s I am afraid I never got to find me. Never got to be me. Only take care of others. Make sure they have what they want and need and as long as they were happy….. It was all I needed. Right? But is it? I can’t take time for myself because that feels selfish. And being selfish feels like I am neglecting my responsibilities. The guilt that washes over me is unreal.

We have been navigating life with one of us losing a job. It hasn’t been easy. I tend to worry a lot and feel an immense amount of concern. That’s my nature, to feel it is my responsibility to care for everyone. Giving them the time, space and resources they need. I take on everything else. The worry, the anger, the obligations.

I now know I did this to be liked, to get praise instead of punished. What I am realizing is when I don’t act this way…. No one likes me. I get told that they don’t know who this person is.

I am tired. Tired of always being the one. Always wishing for my turn to be taken care of only to realize that’s not real life. That’s in the movies…that’s not real. I wish I had realistic expectations for adult life growing up. Not expecting that my life would be perfect because I always helped others, volunteer to do more and take on responsibility that shouldn’t have been mine. How do you move on from that?!


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